hamsteak

lately since christmas ive been having alot of odd dreams. though only a few stick with me.. and i want to make something out of it.. since ive always been one to follow my instincts and do whatever my head/heart tells me to do. not the smartest thing to do many times.. but shit happens.
but also alot of good things can happen.... =D i just think about new years for example. this year. it was like taken out of a movie. and i suppose it was not i who acted on instinct, but the boy who dissapeared. So there i was, it was nearing ten o'clock at night. i was standing at a busstop way out in backa waiting for my bus to come, it was cold being the last of december and all, i was shivering from head to toe... i had been waiting for nearly forty minutes wearing a thing jacket tights and a dress... it being newyears tonight i decided it was worth the cold. it was.
im not alone at the busstop, there are about 10 to 15 other people, mostly male - none too attractive. in fact they were all pretty ugly and way too young for me... seriously what age do ppl start drinking these days?
im standing a bit to the side, being annoyed at the noise these kids are causeing... and im freezing my ass off.. so you can imagine i was pretty pissed off after about 40 minutes of yelling and cold... thank god for alcohol and ciggeretts! being angry and anti-social as i am i walk as far away from the busstop as i dare... as i walk a tall handsome man passes me. he is about a head taller than i am, and being nearly 180cm i think that is impressive. his face is the most beautiful i have ever seen, eyes that glitter and a smile that could make any girl melt. im not kidding when i say this man made my heart skip a beat at first sight... and im not one to believe in love at first sight. but fuck me sideways if this was not love...
so this mysterious man passes me as i walk, and our eyes meet. i feel my heart racing and i cant hold back a smile... which really surprised me seeing as i was really angry at the little kids throwing bottles all over the place like two seconds ago. anyways i stop walking and without realising it i just follow him with my gaze and turn around. after a few seconds i noticed i must have looked like a freak, and turn with my back to him again and light a smoke. as i stand smoking i feel someone coming up behind me so i kill it and turn around. and as i do i feel this gorgeous man looking at me, standing but two feet away, walking towards me with a steady but slow pase. ive never seen such a sexy walk. he stands really close tilts my head up and looks into my eyes saying i look cold. at this point im so intoxicated by his presence i just giggle and blush like im a little girl again.
he moves his hands to my back and pulls me close, his eyes still locked with mine, closes and we kiss. it was the most passionate kiss ive ever gotten, he was a great kisser, and ive had my fair share of good kissers.
so there we stand our bodies entangeled at the busstop, ten o'clock on new years, never having met eachother before and i feel like our bodies are one. like i am connected to this guy in some weird way.
two minutes later a bus arrives and he lets go of me, tell me this is his bus, and asks my name. and gets on teh bus. i look after the bus feeling like a total dummy realising that was my bus as well... that i missed but its ok!
and all i have left of this mystery man is the memory. but oh what a memory it is... and if its ment to be, it will be, but honestly i dont know if i want anything else than this. i like not knowing who this man was, i like knowing that i will probably never meet him again, and i like knowing that the one thing we share is this kiss which totally blew me off my feet for an entire evening, and considering its already the tenth.. it still is.. seems i got my newyearskiss, jsut not at the countdown or whatever..thing 12 xD

also ive been watching entourage alot lately.. or ok.. ive watched like two days.. but its more than i have before ^^ and i realised that i want to be famous! i would be an awesome famous person! you know whaaaaajj??!! cus im AWESOME. and you know it. dont doubt it. if i say it, it must be true, cus i cant lie.
i have a plan... and this is how it goes: i get famous through the blog (cus it is OH so interesting! and everyone will be super excited when i update it) and i will promote my little one time acting movie which i found on youtube :P hahahaha i like it at one point though.. when i try to eat the camera. aahhh good times. and then i will be a REAL actress! hihihihhi maybe ill post the link.. but no i dont want weirdos to look at it.. but then again what am i then promoting if i dont show it? so maybe i will... well searching my name is basically enough to find it.. so if you know who i am that wont be a problem.. and im not famous yet... so yeah.. damn i ramble alot... ive written alot.. and not even about my dreams which was what i was gonna write about from the beginning!! i degress alot i think.. or i just have fucking shitty attention -ooooo i love lamp!-spand
i think i have shitty that. i just think of the movie now.. ah but anywho entourage! i will be famous. Mik will be my manager, cus noones gonna love you like i dooooooo *sings (band of horses just fyi) and gabbi can be my failed actress of a sister :D and sinse im nice and need a turtle. babies can be that... aaww and they will sit on my shoulders (babies are my rats fyi - aka Lime and Pi~Chan) well i want to be famous cus i want to party and shop and make mika read my scripts all day. and other stuffs hö hö hö hö hö
but as if that will ever happen... :( im too old to become famous! T-T anywho im rambeling again... i shall tell all about my dreams now.... cus i have nothing better to do... ^^

so the first one i had on the 26th i think or something... it was like odd.. and i wish i could make it into a movie. becuase also this i see as like a movie.. then again i do that wiht all my dreams.. see them as if they are movies... i dont act myself.. i look at myself... its like odd
so anyways.. i open my eyes. and i see a wall. its a perfect square, and white. not just plain white, but its shining bright white. and i turn and this wall evolves into floor, celing and three more walls... no i am standing in a brightly lit room. a cube, there are no lights and no doors or windows, and as i spin around looking at the perfect squared bright room (which technically should be black) there is nothing. just wall after wall. and each time the next wall is a new wall. i am fully dressed for winter, wearing snowboarding pants and a thick jacket. i even have a hat and a huge scarf. i turn once more to the right and see a hole in teh wall, where there should be a window. it looks like there is a window, but without the actual window. standing in teh middle of teh room not leaving the window with my eyes i start to undress. removing my hat and scarfs and everything else. there is a huge pile of clothes on the floor in a perfect cicle around me (all red), im still looking at the window, and all i have on now is a pair of red panties (this must mean something.. but what! hahahahahihihohohoho AAHHH *manic laugh** maybe im going crazy)
i step out of the cicle of red clothes, and at this moment the "camera angle" or whatever is no longer first person, now i see myself from behind, but at the same time i hear and see everything im thinking at the same time. it was odd.. i walk towards the window and climb out. looking back in, i notice that there is snow to my knees and that i could have used the clothes that i took off.. not careing too much about this, i turn my back on the room and walk. all i see is snow and more snow. it continues to snow getting deeper and heavier. i walk and realise that i dont know where im going or what i'm going to do once i get there, so i turn around to go back to the safety of the white room only to see that the room is no longer there. all i see is white and snow everywhere. i look down at my feet and see that i've left no footprints, even though im standing with snow to my knees. being scared and not knowing what to do. i lie down and go to sleep. the last thing i see before i fall asleep is snow falling down at my face... and then i wake up.

that was one dream.. the next is longer.. and a bit funkier... o.O but i dont know if i orka write it now....
so now then this dream is a bit more complicated to explain.. gaaaah
i was out on a field. it was like a painting, but a moving one. a huuuuge field, a hill with forest in the distance, and a little creak a bit further down going into the woods. i was standing at teh top. i was scared but i did not know why. but i liked the feeling. i was full of lust and anger and joy and really frightened at the same time. i felt high in a sense... as i stood at the top of the hill i saw giant horse like creatures running at teh edge of the forest coming in and and out of it. they were magistic beings and not quite horses, but the size of one. they had huuuge heads, like a wolk but slightly feline. and it was clear by the way they were snapping at eachother that these wolf hound hourse beings are dangerous. knowing this made me more excited, and i start off towards them, walking at first but then breaking into a sprint. i felt teh air on my face as im running down the hill, and the smells and the way everything was changing. i could sence every flower every type of tree. everythign came alive in a different way. i had the scent of each of the animals in my head, but was attracted to one in particular.. so i ran towards that one.
next thing i knew i was on his back and he was running through the forest. i knew it was dangerous and that i could at any moment fall off crack my head, snap my neck, or that the animal i was on could suddenly change and attack. but all these what if's had no effect on me. i just wanted to ride on thsi creature forever. i got such a rush from knowing how dangerous it was, and how i could die at anymoment. i layed down close to the creature and felt like i was connected to it, i could feel its heartbeat and hear its breath and i could predict its every movement each step it was going to take.. i knew how its body worked how it planned to move, where it wanted to go.. i knew this creature from before.. but didnt know how. i loved the smell and breathed the scent in and then all of a sudden i got whacked in the head with a branch.. you can imagine that hurt.. and i must have flew thirty meters or something!! (it was a dream so it was possible)
as i landed the last thing i saw was all these creatures closing in on me, snarling, snapping and drool dripping from their sharp teeth. then i blacked out. as i woke wp, i found myself not in human form anylonger. but i had mrphed into this creature... i was carefree and everything in my surroundings was different. i thought i had good eyesight and smell before, but this was increadable! i could smell where an ant was, and withthe smells help i saw it, and i could zoom in on it. it was some crazy shit! wondering the woods at the highest speed i could have imagined, i caught the smell of that one creature which i was riding on, and without knowing it i headed after this smell.. just following it without knowing what i would do when i reached it, or what would happen when i reached him. i was like in some sort of trace and ran through the woods, barely missing the trees surrounding me. i found him at last and stopped right infront of him. out noses touching, and looking into his eyes. the creature had the most beautiful, and recognisable eyes ive ever seen... they were kind, and sparkled. blue i believe, and something about them made me feel so safe. we walked in a circle, noses still touching. and then all of a sudden we were having creature sex, though it was like humans... i dont know its hard to explain... and during this time, the both of us turned back into humans, he no longer looked kind, and they eyes no longer made me feel safe. but being with him gave me such a rush, and i knew that this man will never be the one i saw or wished to see. he was darker, more grey than i had remembered. and had an evil vibe about him, the way he moved was cruel, and painful in a sense... and his glare was empty... he was dangerous no doubt about it. but something about him made me stay, and so i did... i layed down to sleep.. and i woke up...
i woke up in my own bed in my own room feeling that something i've done is very bad... i look around and it looks just like normal. i get up and walk around, looking for any proff to show that someone has been in my room.. i find a belt on the floor, pick it up and turn around. i stand there for a moment staring at my bed, which is clearly not empty. i stand wondering what i have done and who it is... and slowly move closer. i catch a glimps of myself in the mirror and i give out a quite gasp, becuase the sight of me is something so frightening, and so powerful at the same time. i stand up infront of the mirror and look into my eyes, one could say that they barely existed, it was like two holes. and they were black and scary. but increadably fascinating. i looked the same, but totally different. i was bad, i had changed - that was clear. i, like the man in the forest, had darker skin and looked cruel. my thoughts were empty (very odd for me cus i think more than i talk, and those who know me, know i talk 24/7) so anyways i stand looking at myself in the mirror, and i musst say i looked damn hot besides the eerie glow and evil look. but i had gotten into a damn fine shape ;D but i walk from the mirror belt still in hand and make a noose out of it. pull the covers out of the way, and look at the guy sleeping there. put the belt around his neck... i bent over to caress and kiss his face before taking his life.
then i wake up again, and this whole dream is repeated over and over again. i dont know how many times i killed him, and felt good about it. and i dont know how many times it repeated itself before i woke up in my room again.. when i woke i was really angry at myself for having dreamed this and seemed to enjoy it. i went to the mirror first thing i did, to check so that i was me again, and not this evil version. and then i looked in my room, exactly the same from how it was when i went to bed - good. i went upstairs and out into the garage. i needed supplies. i found duct tape and soom tools which i needed went inside and down to my room again. then i taped all the windows of my room shut and placed candels along the floor. each with an equal amount of space between them. all were lined up against the walls... i didnt light them, but instead i screwed the doorknob off the door and placed it on the outside of my room, went to the bathroom. took some sleeping pills, and then walked bakc into my room closing the door behind me. locking myself in. then i took a match and lit the first candel. and then the next, and then the next, and so on. after this i went to bed and fell asleep.. later i woke up because it was really warm, might classify as hot, in my room. and teh fire from the candels had spread to like the walls and floor of my room. and as i just sat on my bed, the flames were consuming me and my room, i was happy. i dont know why but i was. and i was jsut thinking how very beautiful this was, and though it burns a little it was so worth it. because it is very beautiful. then i layed back down in my bed to sleep, and woke up...

for real this time. thinking about what fucked up dreams i just had.. and now i am wwwaaay to lazy to write more shit.. or even check spelling and wording or wtv. i dont give a shit. not like anyone reads this anyways.
good day to you all! (nonexistant ppl)